I’ve listen to hours of Air America, News Talk, and NPR. I have watched enough CSPAN, CNN, Reality TV and Food Channel to make my eyeballs pop out of their sockets and dance contently about the coffee table top. I have conversed with many, closely listening to their thoughts, many a time drifting off to think how death could not come to me soon enough. I have explored the far reaches of the ‘Blogoshere’ and ventured into the nooks and crannies of the ‘Internets’. And I can honestly tell you, I can’t take much more. We are doomed and here are the top ten reasons why.
10. Drama!
We have become a hodgepodge of tiny, insignificant little dramatic plays. It’s as if we never left the High School cafeteria. I overheard this elderly lady standing in the grocery check-out line behind me bark at her friend, “Iraq? Who cares! I’ve got my opwn problems. My sister-in-law just called my Gucci bag ‘TJ Max cheese’.”
9. End of Days, The Rapture, Apocalypse, Armageddon, Revelations!
Call it what you will, it’s always happening now. How many different ways can the bible prophesies be interpreted to unequivocally prove this is really, Really, REALLY the end? As far as I can tell, the only thing that comes and goes more frequently than the second coming of Christ, is the time wasted by those sitting around waiting for him.
8. Kevin Trudeau and his likes!
Someone please explain to me why this guy is still allowed to roam freely upon the Earth among humans. Trudeau could sell tuxedos to the Yanonamo. How many more ’secrets they don’t want you to know about’ can he reveal (for the reduced price of $29.99) without providing any information? From memory expert, to natural cures authority, to lotion alternatives for facial cosmetic surgery, Kevin is the King of the Gullible. You know what would be the perfect penalty for him? Lock down in a Guantanamo cell with that ‘tiny ads’ guy. They’d kill each other within nineteen hours.
7. Free Credit Report, Free Ipod, Free dinner at Red Lobster, Free anything!
Occasionally for the fun of it, I peruse my Yahoo ‘bulk email’ file to see what goodies I have won or have qualified to win or have been randomly selected to receive. Of course, it’s always ‘free*’. Ah, the all powerful ‘*’; the I-can-promise-you-anything-I-want-because-I’m-going-to-disclaim-it-somewhere-obscure-on-this-two-mile-long-scrolling-page-in-a-tiny-font-that-only-ants-can-read ‘*’. Come on, we’ve all done it. We’ve all bypassed searching for the ‘*’ disclaimer and fervently clicked through a hundred idiotic offers in a gallant, if not foolhardy attempt to reach the promised land of free merchandize, only to discover the “*” explained in the most vague terms imaginable that one must buy one or more offerings before one ‘qualifies’ for the ‘free’ gift. The only people more naive than those rifling endlessly through these emails are the folks who paid a slightly smarter huckster to learn how to write these stupid ads to begin with, in the futile hope that money might be made easily and that cool tropical drinks on white sandy beaches rested a mere 1.2 million sucker clicks away.
6. Imus and Stern!
They are old men with trophy females for their frail egos who seem to have forgotten what made them popular and wealthy. And somewhere along the way, they’ve traded in wit for self-importance. Let’s see where the trophies are when the bedsores need tending to. Good riddance!
5. Emails from Nigeria!
Why me? Why am I the guy they select? Who is handing over my email address to all these poor wealthy people in Nigeria? Why do they burden me as the blessed chosen honest soul with whom they can trust their money transfers, or inheritance, or business funds? Oh well, at last count, I have gladly turned over my bank account and social security number to ninety two sad individuals, hoping to assist them in their moment of hardship and make a few bucks along the way of which I plan to give 50% to charity. I’m still waiting for the first check to arrive into my account which appears to be dwindling for some odd reason. Must be negative interest rates or something.
4. Donald Trump, Paula Abdul, Tom Cruise, Larry King!
One lost the little integrity he had, one lost her groove, one lost his marbles, and one is just plain lost. They have all lost my interest. And what is this fascination we have with the offspring of celebrities and how they are taking to parenthoodas if hiring a nursery full of around-the-clock surrogate mothers (a.k.a., nannies) is somehow analogous to what most folks experience: diapers filled with toxic waste, octave piercing crying, spit-up that burns holes through inch steel plates and eight hours of sleep a week. But for some reason, we clamor to hear Donald say he really likes feeding his baby. I guess that’s a big deal for one who knows the art of the deal.
3. News obsession with personal tragedy stories!
What is CNN’s, FOX’s, MSNBC’s, Network News’ preoccupation with personal tragedy? Some poor kid has a leg bitten off by a shark and four hundred camera crews manned with five hundred reporters descend on the victim’s neighbors, school teachers, church leaders, little league coaches and cousins twice-removed of little league coaches to get an exclusive inside story on the personal agony of the family. And if that isn’t enough, they hunt down local pet store owners to get expert testimony on shark attacks. And most of the people who soak up these tear-jerking pieces like a truck load of Bounty super absorbent paper towels are the same knuckleheads who complain that only the bad stuff is reported from Iraq. I can’t imagine why.
2. Jimmy Hoffa!
Jimmy Hoffa is dead! Jimmy Hoffa has been dead for a long time now. You know how long? He has been dead for so long that the FBI has spent taxpayer money to bring in a team of archeologists and anthropologists to investigate the most recent claim to his whereabouts. Do you know what archeologists and anthropologists do? They search for lost civilizations and missing links for Gods sake! That’s how long he has been dead! Where are the clairvoyants when you need them? Personally? I think Jimmy Hoffa got fed up, took off, had a little surgery and started a new life under a secret new persona. I think Jimmy Hoffa is Pee Wee Herman.
1. Our Government!
Republicans and Democrats alike have become useless. While the two parties continue to fiddle around, home burns. Why just the other day, amidst a southern border that looks like the night of the living undocumented workers, the Senate passed not one but two propositions to a pending Immigration Bill: 1) make English the national language, and 2) make English the common and unifying language. Whew … I’m sure glad they took care of that. I think I can sleep better at night now knowing English is here to save the day.
The real casualty of our two party system’s arrogance is leadership. It has atrophied along with that other useless appendage, integrity. And that arrogance unfortunately has percolated down to the masses. We really believe that God is on our side; an arrogant twist to what Lincoln once stated so eloquently, “My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side …”
Bill O’Reilly, you want to return to traditional values? Start with that one … pal!
This article was written by humorist Robert Crane. Author of “Still Living in the Sixties” and “The Single Adventure of Inlin Freebosh”, Robert also writes a popular blog of casual observations and polical commentary, almost always unfair and never balanced, all of which can be freely read at his website located in the outer edges of the “internets”:
http://www.cranelegs.com
